I Feel Like a Monster
by Crimson Fade
Summary: Insights of the Vizards as they contemplate their rejection from Soul Society and their inner Hollows. T for Language/mentions of violence
1. Lisa

**New set of drabbles! Hooray for me!**

**Okay, so there are a lot of these. A series of drabbles on the Vizards, a chapter for each, contemplating their rejection from Soul Society and those they've left behind. The inspiration came while listening to Skillet's "Monster", hence the title. **

**Reviews, critiques, and requests make me warm and fuzzy inside :D**

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She wondered who woke him up in time for meetings, and whether they had to use intimate measures to do so. She wondered if the new lieutenant was as close to her captain as she had been.

She wondered if he knew what happened to her, that she was still alive and well, if he would fight to have her back in Soul Society. She then wondered if she would accept, if she hadn't known that they had been thrown out like… hollows.

She wondered if they would be reunited in the inevitable war with Aizen. She wondered if he would take her side, or if she would take his. Maybe he would reject her. Maybe he would stare at her white mask and sense her mixed reiatsu and reject her. Maybe she would reject him. Maybe she would remember that he had given up on her, and maybe she would turn away from him.

She wondered if the bitterness would ever go away.


	2. Hiyori

**THERE IS NO SHIYORI HERE. MOVE ALONG NOW. **

**Reviews and suggestions are received with love. **

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She swore to herself that she wouldn't think about the old days. She wouldn't think about her old captain or her old squad (before Kisuke turned it upside down). She wouldn't even think about Kisuke- the way he smiled when he was trying to please her, and how he took every kick and punch she threw at him (sort of like Shinji).

She didn't want to think about Shinji either. He had gone from the lazy moron she enjoyed tormenting to a sulking shadow she had to force out of corners. She knew he blamed everything on himself, but no matter how many times she took her new shoes to his face, she couldn't knock the guilt out of him.

She knew that she'd have to get used to this, and she swore to herself that she wouldn't think about the past.


	3. Rose

**I don't own Bleach, because if I did, this guy would be getting way more screentime that he is. **

**Chapter 3: Otoribashi Rose**

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At first, he often daydreamed about Soul Society. He daydreamed about what he would do with the small empty grove in his division; perhaps a poetic scene of sakura trees, or peach blossoms- or a field of magnolias, perhaps some roses, too.

He daydreamed about practicing the shamisen underneath a sakura tree, perhaps while having a drink with Kyoraku or Love. He daydreamed of the songbirds and the sound of flowing water; there was none of that where they were now. There was concrete, dirt, and emptiness. There was no beauty about the eeriness of the empty warehouse or the heavy silences that plagued their dysfunctional group much too often.

He daydreamed that one day he might return to that spiritual haven, even if it was for just a little while. He would daydream that everyone (including himself) would ignore the monster inside of him and he would be allowed to appreciate the calming grounds of his division and the peace the spiritual world had once brought him.


	4. Mashiro

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach**

**Chapter 4: Mashiro **

**Slight Kensei/Mashiro, if you squint you can see it.**

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She couldn't understand why Kensei kept giving her those weird looks whenever she did the things that she normally did. It was a strange mixture of frustration and gloom, something she couldn't quite place- then again, she had always been horrible at reading expressions. But he kept looking at her strange, especially when she mentioned Soul Society or people from their former division. She couldn't understand why he ignored her when she tried to be helpful, rather than yell at her like he usually did. It really confused her.

She couldn't understand why everyone was so surprised when she was the first to master her "inner hollow" as they have come to name it; she had run around with her new mask on for fourteen hours straight, and the others had stared at her with another strange combination of emotions she couldn't recognize- a combination of shock, wonder, and sadness.

She just couldn't understand why everyone was so _sad_.


	5. Hachigen

**May be slightly choppy in style, but that's mostly on purpose. Not sure how effective it was. **

**Thank you for the reviews!  
**

**Chapter 5: Hachigen **

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The melancholy suffocating their group concerned him, but _he_ said nothing. He had been taught a long time to take and accept things as they come. _He_ was patient and calm. He was the peacemaker, the mediator, the silent watcher. To the rest of the group, he was a soothing presence; something like a father. Even with his mask, his presence could never be disconcerting. His powers were deadly, but he never raised an unnecessary hand. He never raised his voice. He never raised his head.

If he had been the silent type before, it was nothing compared to now. He seemed to become part of the silence surrounding them but he still said nothing. It only seemed fitting as the rest of them adjusted to their uncomfortable situations. He had been taught long ago to adapt automatically, and he watched the rest of his new family, torn between pity and respect. He would always be there watching as they bickered, fought, screamed, and cried. He would never raise his voice; he would never raise his head.


	6. Kensei

**It surprised me that as much of a fan that I am of Kensei, I didn't really know how to write him. **

**I don't own Bleach, or the Vizards would be up and running by now (in the manga, at least). **

**Chapter 6: Kensei Muguruma**

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At first, he fought the change with violence and denial. He snapped and roared at everyone and everything. He felt a burn, an aching in his chest where he knew a hollow's hole might be. He wanted to scream. He wanted to tear himself apart. He wanted to tear everyone else apart. They cleverly avoided him for the most part- all except for Mashiro.

He still sometimes felt that he'd rather succumb to the aching, rather than fight it, but watching the others taught him better. He watched Mashiro prance around in her new mask for fourteen damn hours straight, and he felt a new raw determination in him. After Mashiro had called him "mean, silly Kensei" for the umpteenth time, he'd had enough, and decided he would overthrow the tyrant inside rather than fight the feeling it was drowning him in.


	7. Love

**Um, I admit I'm not too familiar with Love. This is one of those where I kind of just "oh well"'d it. **

**Shinji is last because I will probably slave over his until I get it just right. Yay favoritism! **

**Chapter 7: Love Aikawa **

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He supposed things could have gone worse. He could have been dead, for one thing. He could have killed one of his comrades, for another. No, rather, he felt as though he had been interrupted from something very important. Had he been in the middle of something? Yes, that's right- he had been fulfilling a rather comfortable role in the Gotei 13. He had been extremely happy with the position he had, and he had been torn away from it.

Where was he now? Well, he was in the _living world_. In a warehouse. An old, decrepit warehouse. With a handful of bitter, remorseful, brooding souls who were in the exact same position he was in. They had been taken away from something, too. None of them belonged here. _And we don't have anywhere else to go_.

No, he wasn't exactly happy with this situation, but he supposed it could be worse.


	8. Shinji

**Okay, I had this idea for Shinji, so I uploaded it now. The angst may be a little out of character, but I really wanted to highlight the guilt part. Lame repetition/choppiness is lame. **

**And this is the last one. I may start a new set of Vizard drabbles (centering on everyday life/humor) but I don't know yet.**

**Chapter 8: Shinji Hirako**

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_It's all my fault_, he told himself. _I should've known better_. _Should've done something_. _Should've stopped him_.

(The first time he lost control, he tore his old captain's haori apart)

For a while there would be days where he went without speaking to anyone. After the bitter silence had passed there would be a fresh sandal-shaped bruise on his cheek.

_It's all my fault_.

And another one.

(The second time they found him sitting on the floor, long strands of blonde hair scattered around him like slivers of gold)

For a while there were moments where he shook with concentrated rage (or was it guilt?). For a long while, there were moments where he thought he could hear the smug bastard laughing, and he fought the urge to scream.

(The third time he told them he was sorry, and Hiyori broke his nose)


End file.
